Blessings to last 10 lifetimes...

Today I was so moved by these eyes... Eyes that showed so many different things... Not good things... Pain, suffering, hunger, sacrifice, no will to live... and that is just to mention a few. He was wet from the rain, probably used to that by now and I'm sure that he has no one at home wondering where he is his, concerned and worried... waiting for him with a towel, a fresh change of clothes and a warm plate with a homemade meal... That's if he even as a home to come to at the end of each miserable day.

This boy should be in school, worrying about homework, tests and how much he hates his teacher, wanting the latest video game... trying to save up from his allowance to buy it because his father is always nagging about how he doesn't appreciate the life he has... He should worry about how much he hates his sister that hogs the shower everyday and makes fun of his goofy hair. How his mom embarrassed him in front of his friends with her hugs and kisses...

We see this everyday and I will be honest, I roll up my window when I see them but these eyes... Oh my God, these eyes... His tears of joy, eternal gratefulness and blessings for me to last 10 lifetimes allowed to realize what I had as a child, what I have today and what I am able to offer my children and the opportunity to show them how blessed they are every single moment of every single day.

A boy is the next best thing...

Compassion, patience, self sacrifice and dedication are just a few words that can describe this boy. Giving himself entirely to the objective of making another human being feel like life is worth living with 4 simple words: "Do you trust me" followed by encouraging, uplifting words that are capable of making anyone feel that they are needed to be able to go on in this lifetime.

He has the utmost respect and love for his angels, he has sworn to take care of them and be there for them, no matter what comes their way until his death. They represent everything he lacks in his existence. He was not taught to express feelings and emotions therefore it is hard for him to put in words how he feels... It is dark in his world and he has his own troubles and tribulations and regardless of what is scaring him, hurting, taunting and haunting him, he will go besides himself to give everything he has to give for others to be well and have peace... Sitting in the dark, like a silent guardian... I know him well, I know him better than he knows himself and I can safely say that he is willing to give up his own life in demonstration of gratitude. That's why this boy is the next best thing to an angel.

My GuarDian @ngeL

I can safely say that it is almost impossible to put into words how grateful I am for my Guardian Angel. He is the most beautiful being... Perfect blue eyes and the biggest heart any celestial being is capable of carrying in one earthly body, which is a good thing because I have no heart, I have no soul, they have both been consumed by The Reaper... But my angel knows this and allows me to live with my heartless, without a soul body in his chest; that is where he keeps me safe, that is where he loves me, that is where I breathe... There would be no way I could exist without his love and compassion. I would not have the capability to be a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend... I would not be able to work or co-exist in this fucked up, twisted game called life.

I am capable of loving him through his love for me, He is unbreakable...I can breathe because he breathes... If here were to go away... I would simply die.

I want a new drug...

Let me tell you about this drug use experience I had years back... It's like nothing I had ever tried before... I never knew it existed... My name for it is E.L. Let me give the warning signs in case you were to come across this drug:

1. At first, you feel like you can conquer the whole world while you are on it.
2. Nothing else matters, just E.L. and you.
3. You do not want to do anything unless you are on E.L.
4. You can fly.
5. Makes you feel beautiful.
6. Makes you feel safe.
7. Makes you feel secure.
8. You feel you cannot live without it.
9. You want it when you wake up.
10. You want it before you go to sleep.
11. You want it when you're sad or frustrated.
12. You want it when you are happy or mad.
13. It makes you feel like you are in a Three Fold Utopian Dream.

All these feelings, emotions and sensations are fake. They are just effects of this wonderful drug. There is simply no words to describe what it makes you feel when you are not on it but I will try:

1. At first, you feel like the whole world is conspiring against you.
2. Everything matters.
3. You want to do everything you can to not use E.L.
4. You realize that if you try to fly, you will die.
5. Makes you feel ugly.
6. Makes you feel scared.
7. Makes you feel insecure.
8. You feel you do not want to live without it.
9. You don't want to wake up.
10. You want to sleep forever.
11. You feel sad and frustrated.
12. You are never happy and always mad.
13. it makes you realize that a Three Fold Utopian Dream does not exist.

E.L. comes in a curiously tempting package... Even thought it is not the best looking package you have seen, however, it manages to get your attention with it's charm and persistence, and this drug is relentless... It has one goal and one goal only: To take your heart and soul! It has a way of looking into your eyes and making you feel all the "good" things but at that cost... I don't know about you guys but I am very much fond them but this "Heart & Soul Reaper" if you will, makes you forget that...
It lures, seduces and tempts you with the most amazing sublteness; it knows you will fall in its trap sooner or later... When it is aware of the the fact that you are trapped, seduced, mesmorized, dazed, confused and totally addicted, it shows you the other side of its sweet poison... Once it is flowing through your veins replacing the blood that you need to pump to the heart you once had which it owns now, it will go in for the kill... Filled with selfishness, lack of consideration & negligence. You see all of this coming but you don't care... you have no heart, you have no soul... You don't know any better... However this drug does not know any better either and it does not know that it is simply a creation of another drug that once destroyed E.L. and tried to do to it what it has sworn to do to the rest of its victims for the end of time until its expiration date comes. And in the long run what this little drug doesn't know is that... In reality... He is the only heartless, without a soul victim.

Start from the beggining or backstep?

1973 or 2009... Fuck! Where to start writing? There are so many things in my head right now... I would love to start telling you about... Go to 1917?... 1947? Tell you about my childhood and try to remember where it all went "wrong"... Did it really go wrong or is absolutely everything that has happened to me or by me, either because someone decided for me or I made the choice really handled by the Puppet Master people refer to as God and it is actually "right"?

I must warn you, that what you are about to read will really reflect me I am hard to keep up with... fluttering from one subject to another like a DragonFly Fairy, if you will.

There are 12,995 days (give or take a few) of experience in this connection of brain to fingers I am using tonight to begin something I have always been curious of but never decided to do... Create a "Blog"... I had never read one until I was invited to look at a url by the name of littlebitchyc@ndygirl and let me tell ya... I could not have described her better! She is exactly that...Sometimes a little bitchy and sometimes a little sweet like candy. She will show you what she wants you to see, nothing more, nothing less. And I can safely say now that she is one of my best friends and I know she feels the same way about me even though she won't admit it... I know too much about her for it to be any other way!

Being the daughter of a Military man is not easy... Lovey Dovey, Touchy, Feely is not something he was big on. I was lucky if I got a tushy rub every once in a while but I would not change anything he gave me for anything else in the world... of course, I do admit, I can say this now... If you would have asked me this question when I was 15... My answer would have been much diferent...

I was getting home from school one afternoon and I see my dad walking up to me with this look on his face that was familiar to me... He was furious but I didn't know why... I was smiling though... Thinking he was there to walk me back home and then I noticed the car... Next thing I know, his hand was across my face, so hard to the point where my bag and all my books where on the street... He asked me why I was 5 hours late getting home... I just ran into the nearest place I could and asked to borrow the phone to call my mom. I wanted nothing to do with that man. Litltle did I know that he was worried sick because he though I had a "toca x la mañana" day at school at I had a "toca x la tarde" one that day... Probably not the best way to start talking about my dad and pease don't get me wrong, he was an amazing father. He was a provider, worked hard everyday of his life, not a huge fan of saying that he loved me or how much he did but now I know how much that man did love me.. He would have given his life for me, if need be but as far as affection was concerned... Well, let's just say I didn't get much of that... Which brings me to my mom... I can say with great pride that woman sacrificed herself for me, that basiaclly sums up my dear, sweet mother... She is the utmost and most important human in my life, even before my daughters and my baby, I know that is not the way it should be but she deserves it.